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< / > i just needed to say it somewhere February 17, 2008 *~* 5:22 p.m. Last night I had a dream and it's distressed me all day. I was going on a first date with Grant, and we were going in a big group to the carnival or something. And GM was there and he was jealous and it was uncomfortable and eventually I told Grant I couldn't go with him. I said I wasn't over GM and I couldn't lead him on and hurt him, and I think he took graciously in my dream and then since it was a dream, GM and I left together and probably would have had sex if I had stayed asleep that long, but I woke up with a start and couldn't get back to sleep. In my dream Grant didn't have any legs either; I think he might have been a dwarf, but I'm not about to try and interpret that. I think the straight content of the dream says just about everything. And it does bother me. I'm not his girlfriend and he doesn't want me, and I'm not over him. I don't think I could date someone else and not be constantly think of him and feeling like I was betraying one or the other. I don't want to date someone to rebound and end up hurting them. I don't flatter myself that they'd fall in love with me and get hurt that way, but I can't justify leading someone on just to get some sex or to make him jealous, and I don't think I can parse that out from the rest of my emotions. I mostly just want to get away from here. I love Portland, but I can't deal with being so in love with him and not being able to be with him in a healthy way. And I want to make kisses with someone sometime, but the real Grant seems like a sweet guy and I don't want to cause him trouble. And I think I would be troublesome. I'm not in a healthy spot for new dating, especially since it would always be with May in sight. My love life is inevitably doomed!!!! |