I'm rather pleased to be starting out a whole new decade. Turning nineteen was good, and I have to say that turning eighteen was probably the best thing that ever happened to me, from an emotional, physical, and mental state, but now I get to start completely anew. I'm excited and hopeful and the Portland rain cleared up to make a beautiful sunny, blue-skied, brilliant green-grassed, playing with dogs, wriggling to music sort of day. Things are really good. And, later Gm and I are going out to dinner at a darling French restaurant with at least Christina if not more people.

I felt the need to write a sappy introspective entry and can't do that on the LiveJournal since it throws itself on everyone's friends pages. As it is, this feels right- goodnight, I've had this journal for six years or so, I think. Maybe just five.

I feel like I've come a long way from what I was, and I also feel like I've retained a lot of what I liked about myself from way back when, before I got sad and skinny and crazy. I'm a nice shape now, though I'm not always comfortable with it. I'm happier in a consistent way these days, even if I have to toy with lots of anxiety and frustration at times. I'm waiting for spring and summer time now, and that makes things feel hopeful as well, as though every day, every moment carries me into something brighter, prettier, and just flat out better. I'm a summmer girl.

I'm a proper adult now, I think. Not really ridiculously proper, just genuine and responsible and capable. I feel confident and lucky and pleased and loved. I love him endlessly, in overblown exaggerated and profound ways, sleeping in his arms and utterly safe. I know what I want to do with my life even if I don't know how I'm going to do it, but I trust that I will, and I recognize that that in turn is a pretty incredible thing. I have presence and a goal and I feel like I'm really here.

Resolutions? Be more decisive and secure on my own, try and be outside more (I'd like to go on daily walks, if it'd only get warmer), be sure and keep up with schoolwork, make sure I get to study abroad, and be more honest. Take care of myself.

right now this is my favorite song. It breaks my heart, in a good way.

i want to know your plans, and how involved in them i am
when you leave for good this fall, will i be forgiven?
if you want roses, you can buy a bouquet
that just won't cut it- what can I say?

you're what keeps me believing this world's not long dead
strength in my bones and the words in my head
they pour out to paper, it's all for you
cause that's what you do

i want to know your fears from your feet to the back of your ears,
and when the jets go up and out, will our hearts stay here?
if you could forgive me, for being so brash
you could hit me or whip me
i'll savor each lash