GM and I are broken up. Sometimes it sucks and sometimes I am okay with it and know that I made the right decision. It still sucks.

Actually, I'm heartbroken, and not just for him. I hate this fact as well. I feel stupid.

I have always been one of those girls who is in love with being in love. I've always known that. It means I don't make a good girlfriend, I guess. Or maybe a great one, but I don't know how to be on my own. I need someone to shower with affection and be loved by in turn. I am codependent, probably, or at least a milder form thereof. I need other people to like me, to want me, to reaffirm my existence. That's why I'm single now. I'm learning to stand on my own two feet.

I wish I had learned how to do it before now.

I wish I hadn't fallen so hard for the German. Poor planning, and yet no planning at all. I would have stopped myself if it had been in any way possible (I tell myself this, and I believe it, honestly).

At the same time, I hate myself.

And I'm okay with myself.

It's all very up and down and extreme these days, and I think it's going to get a lot worse before it gets better.

I want to be a psychologist, but lately, I just want one to talk to me. I want a job, I want plans, I want to know what I should do with my life.

It's two in the morning. That's why I'm writing what I really have been thinking. At the same time, this doesn't even begin to cover it. I censor myself everywhere, even in my own head.

All I really want is an email from him and I hate that. Sometimes I am pathetic. We knew that.

And what happens now with GM? Part of me still wants the exact same relationship as before, I'm just terrified of commiting all of a sudden, and I don't want sex. I cannot imagine being a reliable girlfriend person these days, and he deserves so much better than what I am capable of giving, at least right now. Maybe one day, maybe not. I don't know.

I don't know anything lately except Spanish. I love my life here, frankly, and my friends, and it will kill to leave. I cannot imagine it at all.