What I wouldn't give to be able to play the piano and write songs and be famous and not have to get a job this summer making coffee at five in the morning, even if it does mean that I get to flirt shamelessly with everyone I encounter. I should bartend- I'd make mad tips and such, except for the massive deterrent of the sleaze factor. I suppose I'm worried about all that. I'm looking forward to the summer for the chance to calm myself back down and really think about what I want and what I'm going to do without immediately being distracted by a reading or paper. I realize that working a relatively mindless job like that won't actually impose on my own time, especially if that's all I'm doing beyond playing with my puppy or being lazy, but I still sort of begrudge the loss. It's nothing new; I do that all the time now as well. I resent paper conferences and pointlessly long Bio labs with hours of downtime for taking me away from my own time to do something I deem redundant.

So that's my complaint for the day.

That said, I do like interacting with people and I like waking up early and having my whole day stretched out in front of me. I just don't know how I feel about working "full-time" or for a corporation as opposed to a little fledgling store with a "Mom 'n Pop" feel to it. I guess this is part of growing up?

I just don't feel old enough to actually be this old, if that makes any sense. At the same time, I know damn well that I'm hurtling toward my future every moment of every day and I can't really stop it because I've decided I'm not ready- I simply have to get to that point.

Razi called me this morning and left a message while we were at breakfast. I was surprised since he hadn't emailed me since Spring Break or so, but I figured that since I had declined (or at least side-stepped) his offer to go to Hawaii, we were just going to go our separate ways. On some level, I'm glad he called, even if it does invite a bit more drama into my life than normal. Even more secretly, I want him to offer me a job. Gm said he'd be displeased, and I know just about everyone else in my life would be too, but I have to say, that regardless of how greedy it makes me, I'm willing to do what it takes (within reason and morality) to ensure that I have enough money for college and housing and general life next year. I refuse to end up in massive amounts of debt for the rest of my life or to have to declare bankruptcy or to move to Mexico or work endless stressful hours and supposing I have children, I want to be able to give them the world (while still raising them to be gracious and generous). I'm not sure how I'll accomplish such things, but I do know at least that much about my future.

One eleven- make a wish, silly little girl.

I wish to be happy. That's been my default wish for the longest time. Even when I was doing my best to be skinny skinny bone thin, I still wished to be happy. That's all I've ever wanted and all I ever will. And I'm pretty damn close most days now, but it's difficult to resolve all my problems and worries inside my head alone.

One day, I'll learn to really share what I think and what I am without fear of condemnation or rejection.

It's still my greatest fear. I hate being alone.

Last night, getting dinner, I went ahead and sat down in the main room while the others got their food, but ten minutes passed and no one had come. Alli took pity on me and called her over to her table, and then Gm appeared, saying they'd sat in the other room. I know it's unreasonable and an honest mistake, but I couldn't help but feel incredibly hurt and betrayed and forgotten. I'm still so frightened on my own.

i'm not very brave