Things are going all right here, though I'm just about pining away for the boy, which doesn't seem right. I truly never thought someone would matter the way he does.

"this is me apologizing for feeling this much for you, in advance and secretly. i cannot keep on not telling you without breaking my own heart- it's too hard to just keep whispering in the dark and not shout it in your ear and paint it on your windows or carve it into your bed. you deserve to know, even if it just makes you feel bad for not reciprocating and it makes things awkward and it's too soon and it's not necessarily right. i don't care. i'm not actually sorry."

But I'm hopeful. I flatter myself to think that I have a pretty good idea of how he feels about me and that he won't be terribly horribly frightened away if I tell him the phrase that is so obviously implied with that paragraph. I will be over the moon to see him again. I never dreamed that I'd miss him this much, though at moments I rather like speaking only on AIM, emails and sometimes the phone. When there's nothing but words to carry forth emotions, a lot is said that probably wouldn't have been said otherwise. Simultaneously, actually being with a person allows for the emotion without the burden of finding a language beyond looks and touch.

And my mother and I are doing all right. After spending the first week sullen and weeping and unhappy, I'd apparently driven her to the point where we had to listen properly to each other, so we did. It's going. I know, I know, people say it all the time, but just getting it out into the open and not keeping silent and aching with the words I should have said made me feel so much better.

What a novel concept!

Sometimes my sheer stupidity amazes me.

She knows I'm sleeping with gm, but she didn't say anything beyond making sure we had condoms, confirmed that I had birth control, and sent me to the gynocologist. I know it bothers her that I am so far away and "doing my own thing," but I think she's trying her best to accept it. And I'd never tell her, but I cannot possibly see that anything as breathtakingly beautiful as the two of us together could be condemned as immoral or wrong. And I know, I know, I'm just a kid, I'll fall in love a million times over, I'm sure, hormones running amok, still growing up, so on and so forth; I don't need a lecture, I have so much objective intellectual awareness of everything, but it all comes down to emotion. And right now, all I'm doing as far as that goes is falling in love with him over and over and I'm unable and unwilling to try and control that or stop how strongly I feel.

For one of few times in recent memory, I am entirely hopeful and anticipatory and charm bracelet nerve-jangly without bone crushing anxiety. I'm terrified, yes, but that's different.