cause for the moment we are free. we seek to find a release. too young to die, too rich to care, too fucked to swear that i was there

I've always just liked it and that's what's playing in the background- it holds no particular meaning at the time.

I was reading over old entries for some reason yesterday and I cannot emphasize enough how pleased I am that I am not at that level of desperation anymore. At least not right now- I can't imagine where I'll be in a few weeks or what will come, and I'm not that far off from many of the feelings, just not to that extreme. Amanda and I were talking about marriage and babies because we are best friends and can do that sort of thing without worrying about whether we really mean to do such a thing and it's worrisome. I'd like a family, I think, but the idea of pregnancy is not the most appealing ever and more importantly, I wouldn't want to be in charge of a child and mess it up. More likely if she were a girl, but many of my neuroses are not something that are going to disappear over the course of the next several years, to the best of my knowledge. Since first grade I've known that it was best to eat very small amounts- I remember distinctly being pleased that I took only a half of a sandwich for lunch when everyone else had a whole one. I was happy and smug that my lunch was tiniest and when I went through an "ugly" and less attractive phase before a growth spurt, I knew that this was something to be ashamed of. Eating disorders and body dismorphic disorder is hereditary to the best of everyone's knowledge (or at least runs in families, nature or nurture, I'm not sure) and I would hate hate hate to inflict this on another. So's depression, and every female member of my immediate family has suffered. I'm not sure about Martha, or my grandmother, or cousins and such. It's a recent problem, certainly, and the symptom of a culture obsessed with food, appearance, and excess, so I'm not sure that it would exist in most of my extended family or ancestors, but it's certainly prevalent now. Obviously this problem of children is not one that I will have to face for many years, but the thought crossed my mind. .

*sigh*