This could end badly, but my Bio grade at the moment is higher than it's been all year, which is most pleasing. Apparently, I did really well in the Sperm Unit. It wasn't actually called that, but that was the general idea.

Everyone in the dorm is padding about in slippers, but the sun has come out after five days of constant rain. I know, I know, people complain about "constant" rain all the time, but this is legitimate. It's never thunderstorm level, just the sort of eternal pessimistic face eroding, hairstyle destroying, God spits upon thee sort of rain since Thursday morning sometime. But now there's sun and I feel obligated to go out in it, perhaps even exercise, except I can justify not doing so because I really need to study for Biology. Well, not really really, because I think/hope/doubt/really need to know more than I realize, but at least somewhat. That sentence didn't make sense.

Now, Fetish Ball. The stuff of Reed legend, this is the big costume party that follows the completion of the Thesis Rough Drafts for seniors, so they're excited to be naked, and the young'ens just like an excuse to be promiscuous and fancy. So after some thought and wandering about the craft store, Gm and I decided to go as Adam and Eve. I wore artfully concealing flowers and a leaf skirt while he wore a leaf (attached to underwear, green of course) and we were oh so stylish, if a bit cold. The rain, see?

But what surprised me so were the countless compliments and approving looks and such that I recieved. Granted, I was mostly naked and I am tanner than many- perhaps I will even admit that I was pretty damn pleased, but it was startling. I liked it. For all that Gm lavishes compliments on me, I take him with a grain of salt; after all, he's my (not so) secretagentloverman and has to say these things should he like to stay as such. But all sorts of girls told me I looked amazing and I am told that boys complimented Gm or otherwise appreciated my appearance. The girl running Homer's, our munchie late night candy and chip store, told me that I made her proud to be a woman. That's a pretty damn good compliment. And I think what I'm working toward, rather than just a record of shameless flattery, is that it was really nice to feel beautiful. I liked feeling like I was something to be admired, since I never feel like that otherwise. And I know it came as a shock to lots of people too, since I spend so much time barely crawling out of bed to make it to early lectures. I was so much better groomed in high school. . .

The moral of the story? Dress up every now and then. The self esteem boost is well worth it. And trust me, I need all of that I can get. I've been depressed and moody a lot lately and prone to jumping dramatically from happiness to quietly seething rage or burning throat sorrow. I know a lot of it is stress and being lonely for home, or what I want to be home when I go back, even if it can't happen again, and summer is getting closer and closer and while I'm excited, I'm also really afraid.

oh, sing Billy. let me give the world to you, my love

Sometimes things go so right and other times, they seem so broken and wrong and I don't understand why. Why can't I fix things and make it perfect and why can't it ever be perfect and will I be happy forever and can things really last forever and what am I going to do with myself? All things considered, I'm pretty calm right now, but I find the anxiety comes later in the evening. Sometimes, I just want it to hurt, so that it will take me away from my head. The idea of jabbing my fingers down my throat and the empty sleepy feeling that follows is, while not appealing, certainly cathartic. I get overwhelmed too easily.

That's all. I really do need to work. Here's a picture of the two of us, being disgustingly couply and happy. If it weren't us, I'd be bitter and jealous. As it is, I'm delighted.