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< / > Freedom from Choice July 22, 2005 *~* 11:38 p.m. I am tired. It's almost midnight and I am faced with waking up at five forty-five tomorrow morning. Six hours of sleep, rock on. It's actually not that bad, and I could do it if it were from three to nine, say, but it's that five that kills me. *sigh* I need the job. I need the hours. I could have stayed in Baltimore for an extra two days if it hadn't been that I needed to come back and go to work. I need the money for school desperately. I thought things were good; I'd gotten a couple of letters that were reporting good things about my grants and scholarships and credits and so on, but they're also just a bit behind since I changed my housing plan at the last minute and had to apply for loans this year. But I got a letter yesterday telling me that the full amount for my loan cannot be subsidized (the government pays the interest on the loan as long as I remain in school) and the majority of the amount will be unsubsidized and rack up interest while I'm still in school, obviously/hopefully studying and not working or earning money. And of course we've got bills out our ears right now with the house being busted up, and the medical bills haven't even started arriving, but God knows that's going to be awful, and Daddy's completely left the country and has poured a ridiculous amount of money into poorly thought out get rich quick entrepreneur things like a liquor shop, taxi cab, and soon, a swimming pool. Something to the tune of his entire 401k. . Damnit all. And I know I don't really have a right to it since I'm a crappy daughter, but I still can't help but feel like I'd do the money justice. Or something like that- I hate superfluous wastes of money. It was so awkward for an evening or so being in Baltimore when we drove around his high school and to a rich friend's house and I realized just how out of my depth I was. Even if they're not rich now, he comes from money and lives life in a different way than I do on a daily basis- some things he takes as a given are rare occurrances for me, even now. It was overwhelming. I wish I had that. I was jealous. I still am. But it's just so frustrating sometimes. I want so desperately to be able to do what I need to do, what I want to do and to be able to provide for others and not be guilty or worried about being a financial burden and so on. I quit. I'm tired and moody. Sleep. |