I wish I had a friend here.

*sigh*

Gm said he'd come the 12th through the 16th, which is awesome. I'm afraid that I don't feel as much as I should at the prospect of him coming. I'm worried to get excited, and I want him to like where I live- I'm worried that our house will not be big enough and impressive and he'll think that - yeah, exactly. What on earth would he think? That we're poor and can't afford anything better? Yes, true, but I can't imagine that would change his image of me, he more or less knows this already. I just don't want to feel embarassed because he used to have money, lots of it, and I have never. His basement is probably bigger than my house. . .

This topic makes me sad, so I will not think of it. I love him. I'm excited about it, because I really really want to see him, but I feel like it will also break the dam that I have put on my feelings, keeping me from falling apart each day at the prospect of another one without him except on the phone for moments at a time.

It's worth it, right?

The house is supposed to close, and I know my mother doesn't want me to live there, but she seems to have accepted defeat. I didn't want it to be defeat. I wanted her to be happy for me because I honestly believe living off campus with friends is the best thing that can happen to me, mentally and emotionally and physically. I am capable of keeping my grades up, if I could only decide what I want to do. I want to help people, but I don't think I wnat to take years of biology or cut people open, and that seems necessary. I don't want to lose the rest of my life to school and beepers and medical calls and that heartbreaking moment when a patient dies.

I'd like an english degree and to become a professor and marry Gm after he's a rich lawyer and live happily ever after.