I'm done with Logic and Hum, which only leaves Bio tomorrow and a five page paper by Thursday, so that should all be if not easy, then manageable, enough. And then I'll pack. That's sort of daunting. I tried to start the other afternoon and discovered an entire boxful of winter parka/socks/shirt that my aunt had mailed me that I had put under the bed. It was rather startling- I had planned to use that box for other stuff and was more than surprised to find it was already full of goodies. One less space place. So, I've got scarves and hats and leg warmers all over my floor and a couple of shelves almost clear, but that's it. It's a terrible big task. I figure it will happen mostly Wednesday and Thursday, then I can take it to Ben's house Friday and leave Saturday. Yep yep, a very good schedule. I am well planned.

I'm also much calmer, if sick and unhappy. It's a rather inconvenient time for illness, particularly one that seems bent on being (relatively) severe, all full of nose problems and sore throats and head aches and body and joint aches with the occasional fever. Blargh.

But really, the peace is tangible. I paper conferenced Sunday afternoon and when Nick asked what my plans were for next year, I felt myself tearing up and that burning swallowed throat, my heart is falling out feel that comes with unshed tears. I bet he'd have given me a better grade if I'd cried. . . I actually really like him, despite his reliable dissatisfaction with my papers, and I get the impression that while he might think I'm a bit obtuse for not writing the paper he wants, he does like me. He always makes a point to tell me something complimentary, usually on some more important aspect of me than my schoolwork. He tells me that I seem perceptive, intelligent, brave; all sorts of nice adjectives, but not at all in a skeevy way. I respect him and I'd totally be friends with him if we were the same age. Maybe. He seems like he's probably shy and awkward in big social situations and would try to rebuff such attempts.

But, I no longer feel quite as weepy and anxious and spiteful as I did. I think- no, I know- that I've been mean to Gm this week as a combination of school stress, family stress, sick stress, self induced stress, and leaving Reed stress all came to a head. I hate it when I can see and feel myself being spiteful and feeling that I have no control over it. I know I do, but I like the release and the chance to react to something. I just don't like the fall out.

The prospect of summer without him simultaneously does and doesn't worry me. The away time will probably be good for us; the rational part of my head knows this, but really, three months of away time seems a bit excessive. I'm well aware of long distance relationships, I just don't like the idea. I'm selfish and needy and I like him there. Whenever there's something about my day that I find particularly charming or some amazing discovery I make, like baby ducks or a happy coincidence, he's the one I want to share that with. I want him to experience all the good things in life. I want beautiful things for him. I want to be beautiful for him and he makes me feel like I am. Even when I'm sick and sniffly. . I hate not being able to breathe.