Gm and I are truly done, I think, which kills regardless of what he would claim, but it's not the sort of sorrow and regret that makes me wish to take it back. The problems started in March and there's no way to repair five straight months of confusion, anger, loss, denial, mixed signals, and constant frustration. I thought I could go back, I thought it would work, and it's just not going to. I am too far gone. He always wants to make me responsible for his broken heart, for the shitty situation, for the anger and guilty and all of the blame (no, that's unfair, but he does blame me entirely at this second breaking point, and perhaps he's angry at himself, but I don't know what to do anymore), but I couldn't bring myself into it the way that would have been necessary or appropriate. My life, my outlook upon it and my perceptions of normalcy and future and big relationships and commitments have all shifted. I think it's for the better. I think I am a more complete woman/girl/person/whatever. I think Spain was a great experience for me and I wouldn't trade it for the world, nor the way it has affected and truly changed me. I believe I am not the same person as before. I am essentially the same, sure, my personality hasn't done a complete 180, but at the same time, important factors have moved, matured, lessened, and resulted in a different viewpoint and more importantly, the ability and desire to defend it properly. I refuse to do many things at this point, and I want to be selfish for a bit. Fine. My feelings changed. I fell out of love? I don't know exactly, but it's not right anymore.

Fuck