I really do need to be able to say, Hard Science or Soft Science and claim a general area to major in, but I just don't know what I'd do with any other major but a Bio one. And Bio's not even really what I want- I want to do a basic medical degree with elements of psychology/counseling thrown in, not take bunches of classes in Plant Physiology, Animal Population Ecology, and Vascular Plant Biology while I wish I'd been told that Chemistry and Math are definite prerequisites for just about any upper level Bio course except the Vascular Plant one. There's simply no way I can take Calculus and Chemistry (particularly time consuming, and it's been ages) plus another Bio lab, especially one that's just not interesting to me. And that to graduate, I need two units of the same division of each region, meaning, within the Arts-English group, I have to take my two courses either both in English or both in Art History or both in Philosophy, as opposed to being allowed to mix and match.

And I know it makes sense, but it's still so frustrating because it means the Spanish Lit class I took last semester as well as my Logic course this semester count for shit, and with the catch up I'm going to have to do with Bio, I simply won't have time to get it all done and stay sane. I resent that I took classes that I didn't enjoy and they won't do anything for me- at least if I got some sort of real credit for them, I'd be okay. But I don't, and I'm absolutely overwhelmed at the prospect of what's coming, especially because I just DON'T FUCKING KNOW what I want to do with myself and my life and my money (or the loans I'll get) and my friends and my love and I just don't know!

I can't do it alone.

I know I'm not expected to do it alone, and I won't, but I'm just so afraid. I said I wanted to be a doctor, but there's not a Pre-Med program here. I cannot do Pre-Med because it's just not an option, which means I have to cobble together some sort of plan based off the Courses guidebook and the half-assed advice from my English teacher adviser. The problem here is that they need real advisers, at least so far as schedules go. Like in high school, where the counselors specialized in telling you what was required to graduate and what you should plan for because in future years you'd wish you'd taken that course and being really good at scheduling. This is not the case here. A couple of my friends have an adviser who is an exchange professor from Russia and barely speaks English.

Should I transfer? I don't know. I don't want to, but it seems silly to stay somewhere that just doesn't have what I want- that doesn't make any sense, right? Obviously, tons of the Bio major Reedies can and do go on to medical school, but I don't want to sit through Plant Biology to get there. I'm just not interested. And I don't actually know if I have the stomach to be a doctor.

I like books. I hate open wounds. I want to be well paid. I want to spend my adult years being able to travel and I want my kids to have all sorts of possibilities available to them. All these kids around me have been to Europe, repeatedly, gone on fantastic travels to Tibet and other appropriately exotic countries, lived in Italy, go on fantastic vacations, and the best I've got is Mexico. And I'm bitter and I'm spoiled and I know how much I'm blessed, truly I do, but I want better things for my children. I want better things for myself. On a level I only rarely admit to, I'm jealous. We're looking at houses, and all I can think is, I've shared a room with my sister for ten years. The last time I lived in a house, I was probably seven or eight. The last time I had a real backyard was seven or eight. I've never been on a fantastic foreign vacation- I don't even have a passport, it's that much of a non-issue. And yes, I am fucking jealous. I wish I had a ridiculously large house, I wish I'd had the money to go to private school, I wish I had a closetful of expensive jeans and twenty pairs of expensive shoes to toss around and that the minimal amount of tuition we paid this year hadn't still been a serious dent in the family financial situation. I wish my mother didn't have to work summer school and extra hours at work to ensure that Alex's and my medical bills were paid off and I wish we could have painted the walls and house and gotten new carpet the way we planned before I got so sick. I wish she didn't have to work so hard or that we lived somewhere that money matters so much. I wish my father's financial situation wasn't such that he had to declare bankruptcy and move back to Mexico and buy a liquor store, the very image of the broken American dream. I am so angry. I wish reading an email from him didn't just HURT. It breaks my heart to read his note and to write him back because we have NOTHING to say to each other. We don't even intersect anymore; he can't touch me nor I him because we just don't know how. We're broken. We've been broken since that birthday celebration at his house when I drove home in tears and collapsed in tears, weeping on the bathroom floor.

There's just so much in my life up til now that I haven't been able to control and now I'm expected to control this and I want to and I just can't. I can't do this much science without knowing that it will take me where I want to be. And it won't

I just typed that. Is it true? I feel like I'm just desperately waiting for a sign. I want to walk out of my room tomorrow and have the clouds sort of form the words, 'Lindsay! Take _____ class. It will make you happy and satisfied with life." I think I will be interpreting things right and left over the next couple of days hoping that something will just make sense.