I'm in a foul mood, but it's raining pretty ridiculously hard outside which is fitting and pleasing. One of those good Texas summer thunderstorms that I read CANNOT happen in Portland because of our proximity to mountains and other weather phenomena. That sucks, but at least now my hopes are properly crushed. .

I'm grumpy because I went to the dentist and have to get two fillings when I go back Wednesday. I'm not surprised, honestly, and that makes it worse. If I hadn't expected bad things, I could be properly horrified and angry at the unfairness of the world, but really, it's about damn time. And I think that's what bothers me. I should have had these way before now. My teeth-brushing habits slowly went the way of the buffalo around the same time I was busy starving myself to death. I do it daily, but certainly not three times a day and flossing is a blue moon type of event. So yeah. I got what I deserved, which is not to say that I'm happy about it.

And I'm also grumpy because Gm and I quarreled (the best word I can come up with. We never fight or argue on the phone, not really, but we sometimes make snippy comments and hang up irritated at the other) on the phone this morning about him going over to Corey's. I said they were going to smoke and he agreed that that was in fact what Corey had proposed but he wasn't going to, whilst I made derisive comments. And I hurt his feelings. He said it bothered him and asked what prompted it, if I thought I was better than him or what? And yes, I think that's it, and what a horrible conclusion to come to. It's not him in particular, I just hold drinking to excess and hangovers and throwing up in a particular negative light and smoking to the point of stupidity and just being completely fucked up in that same area. And yes, it's being a bit hypocritical, but I do think smoking yourself retarded is exactly that, and I don't drink.

What bothers me is the possibility that I do think that I'm better than him. I don't, but it's difficult to explain. I am willing to make allowances for him, he can get away with things that I wouldn't tolerate in others willingly; we've already established that I would never have been friends with him in high school but rather have written him off as a cocky fuck up. So yes, he and I are different. I'm okay with that. I just don't always have to be really sweet about it when it seems like his past week has been spent dicking around with Corey. Right? Maybe. Probably not, he's worked his ass off this summer, but my language is getting filthier as I go, and that's usually indicative of anger and frustration.

I wish I weren't so fair and balanced, even if it's just the mental half of me. The emotional half just wants to be angry without having to feel immediately guilty about it too and justify his actions. We're a conflicted girl.

But I am going home (a very big and dangerous step, calling the house in Portland, or at least Portland, home) in a week. Next Tuesday. I'm excited, and then I feel bad for being excited because I'm leaving my mother here alone. She got her casts off today but convinced the doctor that she didn't need to go to physical therapy because we can't afford it and she doesn't have anyone to drive her every day anyway. And it's true, I guess.

And my father is coming back in September, having given up after blowing $29,000 in seven months. Goddamn. I really don't see how he can do it though. He left debts and all sorts of sketch when he moved and I don't think it will be easy. *sigh* I won't really have to deal with it except for at holidays, so maybe that's okay. I feel bad for Alex. I feel bad for him sometimes, and then I think that thirty thousand dollars could have gone far in establishing his family and paying off debts and school and car payments and child support and insurance and doctor bills and who knows what else. So I'm bitter too. I want to hurt him, emotionally, for all that he's done and then I feel awful for that. I never actually would, I couldn't live with myself then, but it's very difficult for me to see him and pretend like things are fine. Emotions with him are so convoluted that it's all I can do to just sort of make my peace and try and stay distant.

I will not be hurt anymore.