What is worse: me letting on to him how distressed he makes me in the days before we meet up, because I really don't mind it so much when we're together, or continuing this hypocritical friendship? I tell myself the second because when we do get together, we get along beautifully, but a part of me knows I hate conflict and can almost always find a legitimate reason for being wimpy. So yeah. But honestly, I think Cedric needs someone to love him besides Mike. I don't think I love him anymore except as the person that I meant him to be for me years ago, but he was a major part of my life and I do enjoy his company when it's there, I just dread the thought of it. Is it fair that I hold his actions then against him still? It's true he's been nothing but good to me since the last couple months of senior year, but when I start thinking about things too hard I remember how awful things were and get so angry and remorseful and ashamed. I just don't know.

The main part of me doesn't care about anything anyway. All of me is tingling and quivering and counting down moments until Sunday at 10:06 (so that I remember) when Gm gets here. Any love I felt towards Cedric compared to the love I have for Gm is like M&Ms to chocolate covered strawberries. Both are good, but really, one is so much more beautiful and good and perfect and healthy (that one's a stretch, I think) that it's not even comparable. He believes in me- is it fair to love a person for believing in you? I think so, as long as it's not the only reason. But he makes me feel good about myself. I know he likes to tell me I'm beautiful every bit as much as I do him, but a part of me can't help but blush from my toes to the tips of my ears with delight each time I hear it. Being with him, I really feel like it's possible that I could be loved and, more importantly, that I'm capable of loving someone. I know that sometimes I'm not very good at it; I'm still too young and selfish and volatile and petulant for a "mature love," the sort of love described as burning embers, but I love him with all the fiery passion of a girl who's just discovered everything that life has to offer her and can't believe that she's just this lucky.

mmmm. . *happy noise*

I'm sleepy and tired and thoughtful, but in the sort of way that makes for sappy journal entries that I'll wince at in the morning and will bore other people. Or disgust them and make them roll their eyes, saying, "teenagers. . "