And, I'm itchy.

This is not fun.

Gm and I dug up the front flowerbed today and though we couldn't afford very many flowers or bushes to replace the dead grass, we did manage some pansies and a rhododendron. If we get really inspired, we might plant daffodil or tulip bulbs for blooming in the springtime and low maintenance. And that would be pretty. It does make me feel like I've accomplished something, and I did do lots of sort of work on Saturday, so the weekend wasn't actually a waste. It was beautiful weather. I'd have liked to go to the coast, but I have to save my money for productive things or the like.

I'm going to Austin for Fall Break, having gotten the okay from Amanda and my mother, so now it merely remains to figure out how long I can get away with spending there, transportation to and from the airport, and what to do with the bunny for those nine days. I will admit that I was looking forward to the chance to simply hang out and be a bum with Gm for that week, but it will be good for us to be away from each other. Perspective and distance and complete individuals and all those other theories that we set out this summer with the idea of achieving, then being unhappy. Maybe it will work better this time around. I just feel like I've been so desperately moody and unreasonable lately that it would have been really nice to spend some time with just the two of us and no pressure from school or anything else. Then again, the house is always around. Literally. *sigh* I need to get out of here, definitely. At the same time, I'd really like to just enjoy Portland on my own for a couple of days. I don't want to head off Saturday immediately when the break begins and return to Portland to immediately begin school again. I don't know what I'm expecting in Austin either. Amanda is different than I am, particularly more so than I am. I tend to close up and get sad when I'm surrounded by people who seem so much more together and "cooler" than I am. I don't want to spend those nine days wishing I was home or with Gm or alone or whatever. I don't figure I will, I'm just busy worrying about every one and everything right now. It's not good.

I don't know what I'm waiting for.

A sign.

Hope. Ridiculous amounts of wealth. A car. Self-awareness and self-esteeem. Peace. Stillness of heart. Beauty. Satisfaction. Happiness on a consistent and level basis. Love. A house where I feel home at all times, not just when one member is away. Achievement. Thin thin thin. A really fantastic haircut. Moccasins. My father. A place in the world. Confidence. Freedom from the feeling that I am always thisfar from falling into a depression- I always sort of wonder if I live in a society where everyone is so liberally medicated, then do I fit the qualifications for drugs? I feel sad a lot. I also feel happy a lot. Would I be always happy if I didn't have to live here? Fuck. I hate this train of thought.